"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
- Mark Twain

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
- Mark Twain

"Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied."
- Mark Twain

"We all do no end of feeling, and we mistake it for thinking."
- Mark Twain

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
- Mark Twain

"Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest."
- Mark Twain

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
- Mark Twain

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear."
- Mark Twain

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."
- Mark Twain

"I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse."
- Mark Twain

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
- Mark Twain

"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."
- Mark Twain

"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. "
- Mark Twain

"If everything you try works, you're not trying hard enough."
- Gordon Moore

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
- Mark Twain

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn't.
- Mark Twain

All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Cunning and treachery are the offspring of incapacity.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Few persons have sufficient wisdom to prefer censure which is useful to them, to praise which deceives them.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Flattery is a sort of bad money, to which our vanity gives currency.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Gallantry consists in saying the most empty things in an agreeable manner.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

It is far easier to be wise for others than to be so for oneself.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

It is more disgraceful to distrust one’s friends than to be deceived by them.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

It is sometimes necessary to play the fool to avoid being deceived by cunning men.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire of appearing so.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

On n’est jamais si heureux ni si malheureux qu’on s’imagine. (One is never so happy or so unhappy as one thinks.)
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Passion often makes a madman of the cleverest man, and renders the greatest fools clever.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

People would never fall in love if they had not heard love talked about.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Self-love is more cunning than the most cunning man in the world.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

The more we love, the nearer we are to hate.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

The most certain sign of being born with great qualities is to be born without envy.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

True eloquence consists in saying all that should be said, not all that could be.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

We often boast that we are never bored, yet we are so conceited that we do not perceive how often we bore others.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

We should often be ashamed of our very best actions, if the world only saw the motives which caused them.
- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
- Author Unknown

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.
-Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Who says nothing is impossible.  I've been doing nothing for years. 
- Author Unknown

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
- Colin Sautar

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- Carl Zwanzig

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
- Sir Winston Churchill

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
- P.D. East

You can't have everything... where would you put it?
- Steven Wright

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
- Torvald Gahlin

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
- Robert Graves

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
- Nigel Rees

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
- Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
- Tom Waits, Small Change

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
- Author Unknown